Recommending Fool by Christopher Moore

I checked out the audio book, Fool: A Novel by Christopher Moore, from the county library and I was surprised by the amount of entertainment this experience provided. The vulgarity promised in the book blurb presented itself nicely, and there was enough buggery and shagging going on, but not too much so that it overshadowed the entire story.

It is the retelling of King Lear by William Shakespeare, yet told from the perspective of a character named Pocket, a Fool. The voice of Euan Morton was the perfect choice, as his English accent immersed me into the story quickly and I stayed there, not leaving until I had to eject a CD in order to insert another.

I highly recommend this audio book to anyone who might become enticed by such a blurb:

Herein you will find gratuitous shagging, murder, spanking, maiming, treason, and heretofore unexplored heights of vulgarity and profanity, as well as non-traditional grammar, split infinitives, and the odd wank.

You won't be sorry. If you are or aren't, please share your experience in the comments below if you've read it or heard the audio version. 

Or just say hello! =)

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Just Bad Enough to Not Be Good

Thoughts from a Connoisseur of Bad Writing
-by David J. Schmidt


“Hikaru kumo o tsukinuke furai a wei.”

-Japanese folk saying. Translation: “Rice must be cooked just right—neither too hard nor too soft. This is the manifestation of perfection.”

I’ll be frank with you, dear reader—I am an avid collector of bad literature.

I am a literary crap enthusiast. Like the young Joseph Smith in upstate New York, I take my proverbial shovel in hand and head out into the woods, searching for those golden tablets of text that are a cut above the rest. There is a unique quality to exceptionally bad writing: if it crosses a certain threshold, it suddenly becomes immensely fun to read. I feel that the scale of “good to bad writing” is not a continuum; rather, it is horseshoe shaped, with good and bad nearly meeting at the bottom. Some books are so bad that they are able to jump that synapse and cross over into Awesome Territory.

One such book was a little gem I stumbled upon last year titled “Leave the Wine Glass Lay”. A friend of mine met the author in person—he came to her unannounced, like the Angel Moroni, to tell her about his literary opus. The author assured my friend, with a self-important air about him, that his book would be “the next big thing”. She went online and checked the book’s description on Amazon—and then immediately sent me an e-mail marked urgent, with a link and the comment, “you have to buy this book”.

As soon as I read the Amazon synopsis of “Leave the Wine Glass Lay”, I knew that I had struck gold.

Three things stuck out to me:

1. The modifier “all kinds of” is used twice in the first paragraph of the description. The main character, a powerful wizard, has “all kinds of magical powers” and encounters “all kinds of characters”.

2. By the second paragraph, we already have a full fledged cluster-eff of pronouns.

He befriends a 10-yr-old child, Laden, who finds the Evil Wine Glass at the seashore and invites him and his family to dinner along with his friends.

Whose family? Whose friends? Which he is who? Zuh?

3. The author went to the trouble of writing a quote of recommendation for himself. Unfortunately, he couldn’t think of anybody to attribute this quote to. All we have, at the end of the book’s description, is this:

This story is unlike any other and author Jackie O Brien is truly unique by writing this story.

I should note: that quote is also on the back cover of the book itself. In the print version, however, the author was nice enough to add some quotation marks—but still no person to whom the compliment is attributed. The punctuation itself appears to beg of us, “Come on, guys, honest, somebody said that. Look—there’s punctuation marks around it!”

That’s right, dear reader—I purchased this book.

And it was worth every penny. It truly was so bad that it became amazing. Where to begin? Well, how about at the beginning. Seriously, the first sentence of the book already has major verb tense confusion:

I am the wizard Translucence and the year was 1503.

The punctuation is devil-may-care and haphazard, as are the spelling and grammar. “Its” and “it’s” are used interchangeably, as are “they’re”, “there” and “their”. At several points throughout the book, the author appears to have forgotten what he’d already said—or lost the ability to scroll up on his word processor—and inserts sudden interjections like, “oh, but did I mention”, and “oh, I forgot to say such-and-such”. Some words are inexplicably capitalized, only to be written lowercase later in the text.

The descriptive language is just as avant garde in nature. This is one of my favorite quotes:

Another enchantment, I instantly thought as the veins on my neck puffed in horror.

I have no idea what “neck veins puffing in horror” looks like, but I imagine something akin to a bullfrog when threatened.

And the story itself. Oh, dear, sweet Lord, the story. It jumps around, introducing plot developments suddenly and without warning. The entire thing appears to have been written in one sitting, the author overcome with the white heat of drunken inspiration. “Leave the Wine Glass Lay” truly jumps the gap between good and bad, moving with Nietzschean boldness into that netherworld beyond good and evil.

But oh, did I mention that “Leave the Wine Glass Lay” wasn’t the initial book I came here to discuss, dear reader? No, the book that truly makes my neck veins puff up in horror is none other than “Fifty Shades of Grey”.

* * * *

The above-quoted Japanese proverb illustrates the ideal of perfection—something that walks that delicate balance between hard and soft, undercooked and overcooked—in Japanese culture. It is my opinion that the same principle applies to something that is of poor quality. For writing to be truly bad, it can’t be overly bad, like Jackie O Brien’s book of wizardly adventures. His book is too bad to really even be considered bad, in my opinion. Nay, I believe that truly bad writing must be just bad enough to frustrate the reader without amusing him/her.

Enter “Fifty Shades of Grey”, stage left.

The most infuriating thing about the entire “Fifty Shades” trilogy is that it walks that delicate, Japanese line of balance and equilibrium. It is not nearly good enough to be worth reading. However, it is not quite bad enough to be entertaining. “Fifty Shades” is just bad enough to be truly bad writing—drab, poorly constructed, unsophisticated. Its badness is, well—grey.

I am reminded of M. Scott Peck’s description of evil as “gloomy, monotonous, barren, boring”. [People of the Lie, p. 264.] And of C. S. Lewis’s depiction of Hell as a gray, drizzly English city with nothing particularly interesting about it. True evil is not exciting or interesting—it is uncreative and pedestrian.

Perhaps more infuriating than its mundane badness, however, is the fact that people pay money for “Fifty Shades”. At least “Leave the Wine Glass Lay” has been left “laying” on the shelf. E. L. James’s erotica stories have become a cultural phenomenon, sparking a mini-industry of merchandise, knock-offs, parodies, late night talk show references, and even involving the participation of Gilbert Gottfried.

Well, if you can’t beat them, join them.

I decided to climb on board the sticky, dubiously-stained bandwagon of the “Fifty Shades” phenomenon and write a satirical work of my own. My book, “Pirates of the Danube”, is not a direct parody of the S & M trilogy per se, however; rather, it is an homage to an entire genre of rambling romance-erotica tales. It is part “Fifty Shades”, part Harlequin romance, part “Leave the Wine Glass Lay”, and 100% awesome.

And it will be available for free this weekend. See below for details.

-David J. Schmidt



*One note on the Japanese proverb quoted above:

I wasn’t able to find the actual folk proverb, so I just inserted a quote from the opening credits to the Japanese cartoon Dragonball Z instead. But I swear, that proverb about properly cooked rice exists somewhere in Japan—a real Japanese man told it to me once, while he shared a bottle of vodka with me in southern Russia. But that’s a different story for a different time.






David J. Schmidt is the author of the satirical romance novel, “Pirates of the Danube”, as well as its sequel, “The Baron Rides Again”. The former, “Pirates of the Danube”, will be available on the Kindle store for free this Passover / Palm Sunday weekend, March 23 and 24.

Schmidt has received various recognitions for his charitable contributions toward the preservation of Peyronie’s Disease. In 2004, he was granted knighthood by the Basque Republic, becoming Sir David J. Schmidt for the following three years. The title was stripped from him by the United Nations Council on Fallacious Royal Families in 2007. Schmidt lives with his beloved ex-wife of 14 years, his two cats, and his indentured servant. He can be reached via his blog, www.donguero.blogspot.com or via email at thebaroninsideyou@gmail.com

See this link to find the book on Kindle:

Poking Fun of Another Genre

There is nothing I enjoy more than reading about how to accomplish things in a formulaic fashion, like this funny "how to" in writing a bestselling fantasy novel. I'm not writing this post just to share this parody with my writer friends, but to also discuss a very polarizing concept.

Genre nit picking, much like I did in 10 Things I Hate About Romance Novels, isn't as much about picking on the authors as it is about picking on the elements of each genre. Each has its brand, its look and feel. There is a reason for this. They all serve a different purpose and reach different audiences. However, each has the same mission, to feed the hungry minds of readers all around the world.

Keep in mind, and I discovered this recently, each also has their share of hard-core enthusiasts who will fight you tooth and nail if you poke fun of their favorite genre in any form or fashion. So, imagine the flurry of comments on our Facebook group when another writer posted the same link. Some laughed out loud in a textual sort of way; others were indifferent and simply stated it was funny. 

Now you're transported to the shower scene in Psycho and the lurking enthusiast pops out of nowhere and berates everyone for laughing and being mean to their fellow writers of fantasy. Instant dose of Debbie Downer.

I thought about this a little more and I wanted to put this in perspective so people who care about the process of writing and producing literature for readers everywhere can learn HOW to support one another in a much diversified community, the writing community.

The world of literature is composed of elemental groups much like the military; each genre is like a different branch of service. The Navy provides support by sea. The Air Force provides air support, just as you might suspect. The Army puts boots on the ground and the Marine Corps is a fighting force of readiness to be first in combat with all branches at their disposal. But, we never forget, they all have the same mission, protecting our great country.

My husband is a retired Marine; my son is medically retired from the Army. I can't tell you how many Marine and Army jokes fly back and forth between the two. The other day, when we were outside my son's apartment, the UPS man drove up with a delivery and asked my husband, "Are you in the Army?"

"No, that would be my son."

"Oh, I'm sorry." They both laughed.

The UPS guy gave my husband a pen so he could sign for the piece of mail. "I was in the Air Force myself," he offered.

"And you freely admit that?" The UPS guy's laughter was genuine.

"I'm a retired Marine." My husband never gives up an opportunity to deliver this tidbit of information when engaged in a discussion with other service members, past and present.

They poked fun of each other a little more until the delivery was made and all necessary documents were signed. I could tell they had a deep respect for one another. One thing they understood, and something which all service members understand, whether they served in one branch or the other, though they all had different uniforms, different obstacles, and very different outlooks on strategy and tactics, they all had a love for their country and strove to protect it together.

That's how we need to understand the cross culture of the different genres. It's not disrespectful to poke fun at the elements of one or the other. It's not elitist to have a favorite. 

There are enough fans to go around. Let's not forget why we each write. The way you support each other is to recognize your differences and understand why genres work the way they do and how each supports the reader base.

Fantasy won't always be popular, nor will romance. Each genre will have its day. In the meantime, let me say this. I support all writers, even those who poke fun with parodies. If it's funny, that author should get props. And, so I say, that was some funny shit!

Do you think parodies are mean spirited? Why or why not?