3 Types of Unbeatable Settings

I know I’ve probably harped on this before and I’m sure there are novelists out there who have used these types of settings, but I’ll go a step further and explain to you why they work for me. Remember, I’m the reader here, so I should know, right?


Put an ordinary man in an extraordinary place. 

Think about this for a moment. An ordinary man works in a third world country providing humanitarian aide to the natives. It is his passion and all the children love him, the men respect him, and the women shy away because he exudes virility and a superior masculinity. You, as the novelist, do not have to work that hard to show anything more about this character.

If you had an ordinary man in a setting where everyone else were ordinary, you would have to transform this character into an extraordinary one in order to stand out, or else what’s the point of this character anyway, right? Sounds like too much work to me and it doesn’t feel authentic.


Take me somewhere for the first time.

I’ve read plenty of novels with settings on beaches, cattle ranches, grand estates, and beautiful islands. I’m sorry, did I put you to sleep there? Why must romance involve beautiful sunsets, roses, and champagne? If you put me on a beach, the dominant sound of waves will ruin it for me, even if we’re supposed to be on the shores of some Caribbean island, unless you have other things going on too!

I want to listen to classical Malhum while walking through the streets of Morocco and biting into a sliver of B’stilla. Put the traditional settings out of your mind. Take me somewhere I can experience for the first time, and if you want to get more into the details you can even share the savory and sweet tastes of your pastry by describing it to me! MmMmm.


Pick an event, any event!

A carnival, a national football game, a political campaign, a wedding. Why do these work? Because it’s easy to hear, smell, see, and touch almost everything imaginable and the writer doesn’t have to work as much. Every beach has water and sand, but a carnival has rides, games, funnel cake, and people walking around with stuffed animals larger than their kids.

If you never had a wedding, here’s your big opportunity. You can make it as extravagant as you like and not have to pay a dime. Everyone loves a wedding. I know it’s been done over and over again, but not by you, right?



Do you have favorite settings that draw you in EVERY. SINGLE. TIME?



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Your First Post - Blog Hop

I'm sharing my very first blog post on this site, my only blog site, because I think it's an awesome concept to share the "why" behind your original motivation for exploring and creating. Mine wasn't to promote my individual writing progress. It was more to discover what blogging had to offer for our communications division where I work.

More than 5 years later, here I am. I'm part of this fascinating community of like-minded folks who love to write and share.

Will you take the time and sign up for this blog hop and link your very first post?




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The 5 Office Villains

When I think about the villains I'd like to develop, I imagine those people I've known in the past who annoyed the hell out of me. Is it a great way to get sued? I don't think so, because these folks are everywhere, and it's kind of hard to pinpoint oneself when you aren't even aware that you have these annoying qualities.

My favorite villains are those driven by insecurities rather than the goals and objectives they set, unlike evil lords and emperors, who basically have no weaknesses. Those archetypes either want to destroy the world or own it. That's boring. It's more fun to watch the amateurs! :)


The Identity Thief

This is the person who wants to be you. They love everything about you, but won't admit it. They want your money, your looks, and your brains. Why? How the hell else are they going to be like you without stealing your identity? It's not like they can work for it themselves, lazy bums.

At the end of my story, this person would unknowingly steal the identity of a convicted child molester who violated probation for failure to register as a known sex offender. That'll teach them. =)


The Ignorant Narc

She's in everyone's business and thinks nobody knows she secretly envies everyone who has anything she doesn't, which is basically a lot to make up for. She has nothing going on in her life, so she reports on everything going on in your life, in your friend's life, in your dog's life, and essentially anything else she can make up. Little does she know, the person to whom she's reporting these things also thinks she's a loser.

It's hard not to feel sorry for this character, so in order to avoid making her a sympathetic character, she cannot EVER feel loneliness or self-pity. Keep the evil intact and do not give her any redeeming qualities.


The Immoral Whore

You know this person as the one who is sleeping with the boss to get ahead. He thinks everything is discreet as he slips into the big cheese's office to get a little quickie. He comes out adjusting his tie and gives his colleagues a little wink before heading back to his office.

He takes long lunches with the boss, they wait on each other before heading over to the "big" morning meeting, and they laugh and joke, coffee in hand, on the way back from the "big" meeting. He eventually gets fired for under performance, but we saw that coming, didn't we?


The Dastardly Moron

This one likes to be the smart guy who knows everything about anything, but nobody's allowed to actually SEE any of this knowledge in any sort of product he has created. You only get to hear him talk about his prowess, but you never see the results of anything he's ever accomplished.

Don't disturb him, either. He's BUSY! The boss is convinced this guy is a genius and now our superstar is trying to figure things out, all on his own, before he's found to be an utter moron. All the while he's screwing up all those things you will eventually have to fix once he's fired.


The Yes Man

Tim says I must absolutely list the "Yes" man. But I'll stop picking on the guys so much, so this next one will have to be the "Yes" woman. You know her as that person who agrees wholeheartedly with the new boss every chance she gets, no matter the utter moronic decisions executed.

The new boss says, "I think [Dastardly Moron] is doing an outstanding job. I think I want to promote him to management."

[Yes Woman] says, "Oh I AGREE with you! [Dastardly Moron] would make an excellent addition to the management team. Great call, boss! When I first met you, I just knew you would take charge and come in and get shit done around here. Are those new shoes? Those look like a pair I have at home. I do admire your taste."

Now, get back to work. But, share this first. We need to spread the word about this untapped resource of readily available villains.

Which of these would you vote as most annoying?



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Top Ten Replaceable Words

An article jumped out at me while at work today. A link to it in our weekly newsletter lured me away, the title being "18 Common Words You Should Replace in Your Writing." So what do you think I did while reading this article? I mulled over each word and instinctively produced some fresh ideas of my own, not just replacement words. I'll summarize 10 of the suggestions given, then provide my own thoughts.

1. Good - superb, outstanding, or exceptional.

I agree with this one. If you want to say something was good or someone did well, try a little creative back story.

I hadn't had a meal like that since grandma made her chicken and dumplings and won first place at the Greenwich Country Cook Off.

2. New - latest or recent

If you're talking about a recent batch of donuts, wouldn't they be warm and sticky? Choose words which describe the properties of being new or recent. Maybe the smell of alcohol-based duplicating liquid would indicate the recent production of examination papers a teacher passes along in class.

Jackie lifted the paper and sniffed at the drying fumes on the exam sheet Miss Robinson placed on her desk.

Okay, so if you were born circa 1980, you won't get this. Just carry on.


3. Long - extended, lingering, or endless

If you tell me that it's been a long time since you last saw me, isn't that subjective? Maybe I didn't want to see you again, in which case it hadn't been long enough. Instead, be specific.

"Oh my goodness! It's been 10 years since I last saw you."  

"That many years, huh? Seems like yesterday to me."

4. Old - ancient, fossilized, decaying, or decrepit

The frayed laces and the unglued, rubber-tipped soles of his tennis shoes are a better way to describe something in a specific manner. Again, old is subjective here. To someone who grew up poor, that's just the half way point.


5. Right - exact, precise, or correct

It is the right thing to do! Oh yeah? Whose moral code are you following anyway?

She is right. Really? You mean what she said is based on fact? She spoke the truth, or otherwise didn't tell a lie.

I enjoy my coffee with 2 teaspoons of sugar in an 8 oz serving. Just right, for me.


6. Different - odd, uncommon, exotic, or striking

Instead of using the word different, I like to read descriptions which show contrast.

He flung the fair-skinned maiden onto the center stage in a room filled with Arabic bidders eager to make the purchase for her endowments. They yammered in quick, high pitched syllables, and the whites of their eyes bulged wildly from their sockets.

We can assume the lady is different in many ways, including race, community status, emotional state. So, when describing differences, think about why something or someone is different or odd. Let the reader enjoy the difference.


7. Small - microscopic, miniature, or tiny

Another subjective adjective. Babies are small, but baby rabbits are smaller. Here is another opportunity to show with contrast. What if you read about a tall man who had stubby, two-inch fingers and one-inch thumbs. Weird, huh?


8. Large - substantial, immense, enormous, or massive

I agree, large is boring. Huge is better! I like the word ginormous, shared by a fellow geek at an IBM conference once.

If you tell me a man palmed a regulation sized basketball, I will assume he has large hands. When describing mountains, it is not necessary to refer to them as massive. For real, is there a mountain out there which isn't massive?

The reception bill for my daughter's wedding would be considered large or substantial, but mentioning that it totalled $21,000.00 puts it in perspective a bit, doesn't it? Details are more substantive than mere adjectives.


9. Young - naive, youthful, or budding

Please be reminded that old people can be naive too. As a matter of fact, schemers tend to target elderly folk who are more naive in the ways of social engineering through technology and digital media.


10. Almost - nearly, practically, or verging on

Why even use these at all? I think this robs us of the fun in having things actually happen. So what if someone nearly fell off a chair? Wouldn't it be funnier if they fell off the chair?

Do you have any replaceable words to add to the list? 

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When There's a Lack of Progress

I've been thinking a lot about my career lately and what seems to be the progress I have NOT made. It appears whenever opportunity knocks and I decide to answer, the door gets swiftly shut in my face. But you know what? Life isn't over by a long shot. You can do things to make a more positive experience for yourself. One of those things is to list out the obstacles which keep you down. Share them with friends and family. Get some input and have a few laughs. Try not to let things get you down. Your day is coming!

Here is my list of 5 things that go wrong in the work place and how you can combat them to make your life bearable again.




Lack of Motivation






Don't give up! Find new things to occupy your mind while others around you are attempting to drown out your enthusiasm. Why? Because when you find new things that spark your interest, you're likely to find others who will follow. There IS a difference between controlling the status quo and paving a path to a brighter future. Be that change you want to see. Don't just let things happen to you.




Lack of Experience






Are you watching the same mistakes being made from afar? You know what's wrong, but you don't have the authority to step in and give a helping hand, right? Do it anyway. Point out the obvious. You are more likely to get a thank you than an angry outburst for your meddling behavior.




Lack of Supervision






You've seen it, too? Those irresponsible twits who get away with everything they're doing wrong, never to be held accountable for their actions. Yeah, annoying as hell. If something is getting ready to land on your ass, you need to say something. If you don't say anything, you're just as guilty when something goes wrong.




Lack of Proper Coaching






When relying on teamwork, it's very painful when you make the right move and the other player is not focused on the task at hand. Makes for a big disappointment, one which overshadows your wonderful skills and desire to perform well. Be patient. If you have a coach, remember, they don't like to lose either. Some adjustments might need to be tweaked. Give it some time. The team will come together if the right coach is in place.




Lack of Professionalism






No need to explain this one. We all know too well those at work who seem to throw things in your face whenever the opportunity presents itself. They love to remind you how great they are and how not so great you are. Sure, they don't know how transparent they are, they just think they're too cool to deal with you on a professional level.






I think for now, I'm done. Let this be a lesson to you all. Play nice, and remember…always know, life is too short to let these things bother you.

I'm good, you're good, and life's good. Peace out!




Do you find these things in your life or at work? If you have a situation to add, please do so in the comments!



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My Top 5 Coming of Age Movies

I woke up this morning feeling a bit nostalgic and spent 30 minutes reflecting upon the past. I'm still amazed at how we've gotten as far in life as we have with all the obstacles we faced in our early, formative years. I'm talking to you, the 80's crowd. We're now facing 2014. How's this for progress?

Fast Times (1982)

 Who doesn't remember first love, or rather first spurn? This movie doesn't discriminate. Guys, girls, they all get some form of enlightenment in this coming of age movie. Makes me cringe at times, especially when watching it for the first time with my grown kids, "Hey mom, why do they all sniff the paper like that?"

Mike Damone: I mean don't just walk in. You move across the room. And you don't talk to her. You use your face. You use your body. You use everything. That's what I do. I mean I just send out this vibe and I have personally found that women do respond. I mean, something happens.

Mark Ratner: Well, naturally something happens. I mean, you put the vibe out to 30 million chicks, something is gonna happen.

Mike Damone: That's the idea, Rat. That's the attitude.

Mark Ratner: The attitude?

Mike Damone: Yeah! The attitude dictates that you don't care whether she comes, stays, lays, or prays. I mean whatever happens, your toes are still tappin'. Now when you got that, then you have the attitude.

The Sure Thing (1985)

I had no idea this movie released before Better off Dead, which is the movie I recall being my first love for John Cusack. I was wrong. Either way, you should watch both! The Sure Thing isn't as much about my love for Cusack as it is about the complex relationship his character shares with Alison Bradbury, played by Daphne Zuniga.

Alison Bradbury: [checking her calendar] Let's see, Friday. 5:30, dinner. 6:00, Calculus. 7:00, news. 7:30, shower. 7:45, phone call. Eight o'clock?

Gib: [sarcastic] Gee, I don't know. That's when I rearrange my sock drawer.

St. Elmo's Fire (1985)

St. Elmo's Fire (for me) was the best "out of college" movie EVER! There's a scenario for every level of fresh out of college newbie life, and there's no holding back on reminders of how much it hurts to be a newbie college graduate. Welcome to  adulthood is the message in this movie, but it's a great ride and packs a load of fun.

 Kirby: She is the only evidence of God I have seen with the exception of the mysterious force that removes one sock from the dryer every time I do my laundry.

Kevin: Love, love, you know what love is? Love is an illusion created by lawyer types like yourself to perpetuate another illusion called marriage to create the reality of divorce and then the illusionary need for divorce lawyers.

Jules: I don't know why you're both so worried... So, I bop him for a couple of years, get his job when he gets his hands caught in the vault, do a black mink ad, retire in utter disgrace, then write a best seller and be a fabulous host on my own talk show...

About Last Night (1986)

Whether you've seen the 2014 remake of this movie or not, this 1986 original is a must see. Jim Belushi and Elizabeth Perkins do their supporting roles justice in the 1986 movie about a young couple making a life together despite friends who clearly have plans to sabotage the blossoming relationship. The remake has Kevin Hart and Regina Hall playing the same roles yet they are clearly better suited for their own star roles...in a different movie. Their presence butchered this lovely story-line. The over-acting in the support roles really put a damper on this newer version. Please watch the original and don't let this modern day race for remakes get you down.

Bernie: What do you do?

Joan: Me?

Bernie: Well, yeah for a living?

Joan: [sarcastic] I'm a neurosurgeon, you?

Bernie: I'm a prizefighter. Do you know much about boxing?

Joan: No...

Bernie: I'm the heavyweight champion of the world.

Shrimp on the Barbie (1990)

The theme is love and relationships, but a more substantive one. Rather than overcoming personal barriers and simple obstacles encountered with young love and establishing relationships, this storyline casts a wider net, incorporating social class and ethnic diversity. Cheech Marin has a dual role: the funny, lovable jester, and the supporting friend with a big heart.

Carlos: Hey, do you mind if I use that stick?

Alex: What stick?

Carlos: The one that's up your butt!

Carlos: You can get a lot of suckers to do this shit. I come all the way down to impress Bruce in front of daddy. I didn't come here to be insulted by these bigoted assholes!

These are older movies and though the content, setting, etc are clearly dated, the stories stick to core concepts and solid relationship struggles. Now I'm wondering. What movies stick out from your "coming of age" formative years?




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Top 10 Character Flaws That Don't Work For Me

I read once (or maybe more than once, but who's counting?) that characters are more likable when they are flawed, and to some extent, I believe this to be true. I have my favorite characters who are all flawed in many ways, but there are those characters who are beginning to pick at that last nerve. They're so cliched and I wonder why they are chosen over and over again as the favored protagonist or one of the main characters. I don't like them any more because I see them everywhere!


The Millionaire Philanderer

I don't understand this. Why is it that the guys who have money must be portrayed as weak when it comes to women in pursuit? Stop letting these women drape on you like a cheap suit! Sling them to the side and show some self-respect. This is similarly done with the rock stars toting around their posse and loyal groupie bangers. And why are they always extremely handsome? Ever see Donald Trump or Hugh Hefner? For real...

The Deep Dark Secret Sufferer

A great way to expose a flaw for a character who has a secret is for them to perform some odd behaviors like visit a secret grave on the 3rd of each month, or something equally odd. Stop giving them permission to be emotionally erratic toward others with no explanation whatsoever only to have character A tell character B, "Oh, his mother died in a freak accident back in 2010 and he's never really recovered from it. A year later his sister was ate up by some flesh-eating bacteria she got at summer camp."

Of course, this sort of thing might work in a comedic rendition of some reality shows I watch for pure entertainment.


The Damsel In Distress

I'm tired of distress getting rewarded just because it is the more attractive option to the male ego. What about the woman who refuses to be rescued and this causes a man to leave her side and ultimately results in his saving a bus load of children?

Yea, women understand sacrifice, too. We know other shit is going on out there other than ourselves. Some of us can save ourselves. We can also help save others as well. Go save yourself a puppy or something! Readers will LOVE you. I promise.

The Chip on the Shoulder

This dude needs to get out of his own way. Nobody likes this anymore! The bad guys are losing steam because there are too many of them. You know, the opposite of this flaw is the shy guy. I  love me a shy guy, too. Please let's do away with the wise-cracking assholes and invite the John Nash's into our stories, because you can't have enough of A Beautiful Mind.


The Jealous Woman

Jealousy has always been an ugly thing to me, especially in a woman. If you're going to make your character a jealous one, at least give them some redeeming quality like having them internalize it rather than going all out ninja on a bitch. I guess what I'm saying is that jealousy can make a character vulnerable, therefore likable, just don't let it shine in all its ugliness by having your character act upon her jealousies, because then it becomes completely unlikable.

A "like" plus an "unlike" kind of cancel each other out, so what's the point? Unless you're building a villain, in which case all out ninja would be just fine.

The Pained Drunkard/Addict

Sometimes this is done well and I feel bad for the character. Most times I think the character deserves what's coming to them. I'm unsympathetic to these characters. Yes, even though I drink beer and one might consider me an alcoholic for doing so, I still abhor such characters who cannot rise above their addictions.

I want to sympathize, but at the same time it's hard not to want to punch this character in the face and shout. Come on already! You have to get up and be at the courthouse first thing in the morning, you oaf. Put the vodka away for Christ's sake!


The "I  Lost My Entire Family" Victim

I know what it's like to lose a loved one. I lost my father in 1992, my mother in 2006, and my grandmother in 2009. Trust me, putting them all together at the same time doesn't make the pain worse; it makes you more an asshole trying to get a bigger reaction from your reader. How can it be even more painful? Kill the grandmother too!

Trust me tragedy is fine if you do it right. But, if done wrong, the author comes across as trying to make double and triple sure that the reader sympathizes with their character. The character is devastated. He didn't just lose his beloved wife. He lost his daughter, their two dogs, the cat, and their pet goldfish. How could you not feel horrible for this guy? STOP it!


The Washed Up Hero

This always happens in sequels or starts out the very first scene with the hero, washed up and ready to commit suicide. Don't worry! You'll soon find out why he was so miserable. Hello Mel Gibson, Lethal Weapon. Loved the movie. Suicidal would be lost in translation in the written form, IMHO.

The visual is a different story though. The tears, red eyes, shaking hand with gun self-directed at his head. Don't do it! Aw, everything will be okay. Whatever it is bothering you, it will work out. It's the beginning of the movie and we have another hour and a half for things to get better. Plus, you're the star of this movie, so you can't die just yet. There, there, put the gun down.

The Arrogant Entrepreneur/Estate Owner

I just read a post today and found out that there is a romance novel "genre" (?) which caters to this situation. I believe it's called Regency Harlequins. I'll research it more and make an addendum here when I have the chance. But honestly, I don't see the draw to such a thing. There's nothing particularly romantic about having to deal with an estate. Been there, done it. It's a huge pain in the ass.


The Stubborn Rebel

The romance novels I've read years ago were not the same as they are today. The men in those books were men. Pure men. They were arrogant, not stubborn. They were righteous, not rebellious. They were businessmen, doctors, professors, and pilots. The romance was written for a different culture back then.

But, I've tried to read romances these days and I can't. It's too painful. The men are like boys. Stubborn, like when a mother tries to get her son to eat his veggies. Yeah, that kind of rebelliousness is not romantic to me. I want a man in this story, not a two year old. Dammit, I'm dating myself.

Are there character flaws that just don't work for you? Did I point out a character flaw here that you actually like and felt that I didn't do it the justice it deserves? Well, come yell at me about it! Or just leave a polite comment. :)






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Guest Post by Gator, The Malinois

Me and Gator, The Malinois

As you may or may not know, one of my characters in Precinct 9 is a Belgian Shepherd named Benjamin. The idea of Benjamin came from a real life Malinois named Gator.

His birthday was yesterday, and he made a list of ten reasons why he believes he shouldn't be here, most are death defying feats.

My guest blogger today is Gator, the Malinois. Please follow the link and like him on Facebook!

Take it away, Gator!


Today is my 10th birthday! I'm amazed I've made it to this age. In honor of my age, here are 10 reasons why I should not be here:

1. I jumped into a large, very fast, very cold river at 10 weeks old. My person had to jump in, swimming hysterically to catch me.
2. I bit that same person of mine over a chicken breast at around 1 year old. If you've met her, you'd know why I was lucky to survive. 
3. I broke my upper canine tooth and part of my jaw at 1.5 years old. The recovery meant absolutely no biting of things. This nearly killed me. 
4. I've eaten LOTS of things that I shouldn't have.
5. I've run into, under and through even MORE things that I shouldn't have. 
6. I've broken bones playing fetch. Consequently, I'm no longer allowed to play fetch. I'm told this is because I "lack self preservation", but this still makes me very sad. 
7. I've been kicked/hit/slung around and generally beat up by lots of people. But, I mean, I was biting them. So... Meh... Totally worth it. 
8. I seized an opportunity with an unmanned, open bag of dog food. Carpe foodem. It was delicious... ALL of it! I also bloated and nearly died. Again, totally worth it. 
9. Pretty sure I should have been arrested by animal control on a few occasions. 
10. I tried to jump off a 12-foot rooftop one time. Details of how I ended up on said rooftop are irrelevant.

Thank you, Gator!

Now, I open the floor for questions. Please ask questions so you will know why Benjamin came to be!



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Five Scariest Movies From My Childhood

Every now and again I come up with a list of things I recall as being those things having guided my life. Whether it has been childhood books I've read, iPhone apps I love, or antagonists I admire, I enjoy sharing these things, hoping my readers will take the time to seek out opportunities to experience the same.

Yet another area I want to share is the 5 scariest movies I've experienced. Watch these and know, your life will never be the same afterward. I dare you.



Let's Scare Jessica to Death   1971

This movie is so old, I can barely recall why it scared me so much, but I wasn't very old when my sister and I watched it as a televised movie on HBO years after it came out. I think we were babysitting my younger brother while our parents were out on their weekly Friday night bowling league.

I recall screaming when this drowned, pale-white body emerged from the lake. The special effects and makeup back then were horrible, but they didn't need all that stuff to shoot a scary movie. Scary movies were scary because of the situations, not the gore.

Burnt Offerings  1976

I loved Bettie Davis in her black and white movies. The young Davis was such a beauty. When I watched her in Burnt Offerings, I was horrified. Still a great actress, she made my skin crawl in this movie. She played the elder Aunt Elizabeth, all things centering around her health and well-being as I recall it.

When the father and son play in the pool, there's some rough housing and the father holds the kid under water, attempting to drown him. The look on the father's face, his obvious violent pleasures, scared the crap out of me. The premise of the movie is that this run down old house restores itself to its glorious beauty, little by little, as people die on the property. Spooky, right?

The Sentinel  1977

I'm not certain why this movie stuck with me after all these years, but I remember the priest fascinated me. It's the introduction of after the fact information that scared me with this movie.

The main character attends a birthday party and you think nothing of it, because it's pretty ordinary. But later, she discovers that everyone in attendance at said party were dead criminals and she'd been hanging out in a sort of purgatory to hell. WTF??

The Shining  1980

The spooky twins murdered years ago in this hotel? Didn't bother me they were twins, didn't bother me they were murdered, and didn't bother me they showed up as aberrations. What bothered me? The look on their faces. It was like fish on land, but not struggling for air. The idea of it just spooked the hell out of me.

When you can create a scene where the characters behave super ordinary from the expected, that's pretty freaky to me! Jack Nicholson going after his wife the way he did wasn't as scary to me as when she'd discovered all the writing he'd been doing which consisted of lines and lines of "All work and no play makes Jack a dull boy."

Ghost Story  1981

Spooky because it connects with our sense of past ghosts seeking vengeance upon us. There are so many ways we experience the past, and this movie touches upon the psyche playing on each. It's something how the producers and directors years ago connected with our sense of foreboding, so much unlike movies today.

Each character in this movie who deals with their past does so in a situation which will make your skin crawl.

Do you have a favorite childhood horror movie you'd like to share here? I love it when you can go back at least 30 years and experience technology then vs. now. You didn't have a whole lot of gore in horror years ago, but they weren't lacking in the creative art of scaring the bejeezies out of you.

Q is for Quality Assurance

We all make mistakes, right? I don't just write fiction. I write computer code, where many mistakes can and will occur. These are 5 things I've done in my programming career, none of which I'm proud or ashamed. However, they will remain memorable until the day I rest in peace. I will not do these again and you shouldn't either.


1. I will never leave debug messages in my programs.

When I was in college, I'd left a debug message for myself in the code, completely forgetting it was there. I turned in my project without commenting it out. The reason I'd forgotten about it was because the condition for which I'd created the message never occurred during testing, and therefore, it never popped up to remind me of its existence.

The error message was:

Apparently, my instructor met the condition for which I'd intended to test. He docked me a letter grade.


2. I'll never try to implement bright ideas into my code when I'm drinking and have a deadline the next morning.

Yes, I did this, without a backup copy of my source. For some reason, when you've been drinking, you think you're smarter than you really are. So the next time all these ideas that you come up with for extra credit start poking you in the brain...STOP. Don't do it. The program meets specifications and it's due in the morning. Just let it be.

I couldn't do that though. The narcissist in me drowned out my inner critic, "Come on! You know it would be cool,” she said. “Ten lines of code...tops."

In the morning, I didn't remember what I was thinking or what I’d changed. My program wouldn't run, and I had 30 minutes to get to class.


3. I will never again breach security in order to play an online, text based role-playing game.

I got busted for playing +Threshold RPG, an online text based role-playing game while at work. I had connected to the AS400 firewall with the knowledge that it came pre-packaged (circa 1999) with a user profile: anonymous, and a default password: anonymous. The system administrator of the AS400 never changed this default.

But, Diane, how did you know that? 













I didn't. I just tried and it worked! After I logged into the firewall, I was able to telnet to the game server and play. Little did I know that port 23 access, along with my IP address, were being logged and because of the constant back and forth from the game server, the firewall log would fill up and crash several times during the day, alerting the system administrator, who remained puzzled for about two weeks.


4. I will not hard code place holders.

I have a bad habit of leaving in hard coded place holders like my own name and address so that I can see the format that a user would see. After testing and before implementation, I would write code to retrieve the web user's name and address for display instead of my information.

Once implemented, I was called back into the office, after hours, to fix a problem. Everyone logging in to see their information received a message of "Welcome, Diane Carlisle!" Yep, I'd forgotten to remove my hard coded personal information.

5. I will not create programs which change security settings on any system.

I created a CL program to include changing the job user's profile to have all object authority in order to perform a task. After the task was performed, the program would do a cleanup routine and put the user profile authority back to its original setting.

A week later when reviewing the dump queue (where error reports go when a program crashes), I realized that my program had error-ed out after the all object authority was granted to the user, thereby never completing the cleanup routine. When I checked the profile of said user, sure enough, they had all object authority. I had to contact the administrator, profusely apologize,  and request he fix the user's profile before they accidentally delete all objects on the system.

I hope you've enjoyed the letter Q. If you did, hop over to my other A-Z entries.

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X is for Xtranormal Voodoo Dolls

I'm sorry, but I cannot go through the rest of the alphabet fast enough to get to the letter X, so I'm cheating. I imagine X is the most difficult letter to use in this series, especially for a blog themed around anything to do with writing and the manipulation of characters as does happen in every novel.

While I was contemplating a blog post, thinking I'd have at least another month to find a word which begins with the letter X, I found a place where I could give two of my characters a voice of their own. What do they do? They boycott me. Ungrateful shits.

Voodooz Movie
by: Diane Carlisle

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N is for Narration

10 Signs Your Narration is Failing

1. You're writing in 1st person POV and every sentence starts with an "I" or "My".
2. There is no white space on the first page of your manuscript.
3. It takes you 3 sentences to describe what should only take you a few choice words.
4. The first page of your manuscript reminds you of the Star Wars opening crawl.
5. Your manuscript contains a mixture of past and present tense verbs...everywhere.
6. A scan for the word "that" in the first two chapters of your manuscript retrieves a count of 89. Likewise for the linking verb "was".
7. The first page of your manuscript makes you think been there, done that.
8. There exists a typographical error on the first page of your manuscript, worse...it's in the first paragraph.
9. You haven't mastered the use of there, their, and they're.
10. Your narrator herd a noise instead of heard it.

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It Is Not Okay To Be Okay

When you've had an eventful day, do you ever sit down and ponder the world? I read articles and magazines about our social climate all the time and I'm baffled by how much we've changed throughout the past 20 years. People seem to be more disconnected in an extreme way and it scares me.

These are the things I want to consciously convey within the stories I tell, because these are the things important to me and my understanding of humanity.
Five Okays and Not Okays

It is okay to ask for help, because people are kind when they feel needed.

It is okay to thank someone. How else are they to know they are appreciated?

It is okay to say I'm sorry in private, because forgiveness needs no audience.

It is okay to disagree with one another. The world will not end if we don't all come together like sheep.

It is okay to be considerate of each other's time as it is a precious resource.

It is not okay to dump your mess on someone else. Ask for help instead.

It is not okay to play dumb while others run around explaining things when something goes wrong. Now is a good time to thank them for saving your ass.

It is not okay to check your phone when you've asked someone a question and are now receiving an answer. They could be utilizing their time to help someone who is more respectful.

It is not okay to call a United States service member a murderer when they are out there defending your freedom to call them such horrible names.

It is not okay to argue with one another and try to change each other's minds about religion, politics, or other individual prejudices. Righteousness needs no acceptance. Just walk away!


Years ago, I would be writing things like:

It is not okay to walk on your neighbor's lawn.
It is not okay to cuss or put up your middle finger.
It is okay to keep your hands to yourself.
It is okay to pledge allegiance to the flag.

Gosh, the world has become so complicated, hasn't it?

New Year's Eve Party Goers

Last year I gave you the 5 Stupid New Year's Resolutions post. This year I decided to have a different list for you. I've compiled a list of different types of people you're likely to run into this New Year's Eve. That means tonight!

The Party Guy - There's always one of these at every New Year's Eve party. He does it all. He does the funnel. He does the Hulk Hogan flex. He does the random sucking of face with the drunk girl passing by. He does the belly flop into the pool. And, he does the face plant onto the floor after the dropping of the ball in Times Square. He'll be lucky if he doesn't drown in his own vomit before sunrise.

The Jocks - They come in a group of five. You won't get any free drinks from any of these guys. They're all married and too busy watching football or the Ultimate Fighting Championship. They're on a fixed allowance, it's the only night of the year they're given permission from their wives to hang out, and they're working on their Bromance.

The Loner - He's the guy all by himself at the bar, watching everyone. He's not sitting facing the bar either. He's facing the crowd...with his arms crossed. Think Jeffrey Dalmer scoping out his next victim. Creepy!

The Polite Charmer - He's the one sent over on a reconnaissance mission to a table full of women. He'll buy a round of drinks while conducting his research. Data bank indices: which ones are single, who is the hottest, who is the most DTF. Charming, ain't it?

Ok, enough picking on the guys. Here are the women you'll find. I'm staying in this year, so you won't find the grumpy old lady in this crowd! =)

The Eye Candy - All eyes are on her. The guys are appreciative, their dates, livid. She's typically wearing a skirt which doesn't fully cover her voluptuous ass cheeks. She's looking too cute bent over the pool table while trying to make a shot. There are ten guys trying to get to her to show her the correct stance and how to aim.

The Gaggle - A group of ladies who stick together no matter what. All have long, brown hair (more than likely extensions). All wear skin tight clothing, hoping to attract some idiot willing to buy them drinks for the evening so they can make rent at the end of the month.

The Drunk Dancer - You know, the one who climbs onto the bar or high top table to show off her pole dancing skills. For some reason it never really works out for her.

The Puker - She's the one who gets drunk an hour into the evening, thereby leaving her friends to take turns holding her hair back while she pukes away in the bathroom all night.

Happy New Year to all my friends in the Blogosphere! See you next year. ;)

10 Profound Mistakes Made by RPG Players

Unless you've played RPGs on a regular basis, you may not have experienced all of these or any similar form, but you might agree with me, these are pretty easy circumstances in which to fall victim. Some of these are text based and the rest are from PC games. One scenario would happen in a game I develop (which hasn't happened yet, but oh well). If you're the first to guess which one, I'll send you a free copy of Snow Leopard.

1. You fire your cross bow at a huge skeleton. The arrow flies through the air and darts between the two lower bones of his rib cage, missing the skeleton entirely, and striking the wall behind it. You have no other weapons.

2. You fall down a well. The only "obvious" exit is dragon

You exit dragon

3. You cast a 30-yard range fire storm at a goblin, killing him instantly, but wasting 20 seconds of fire damage on no apparent enemies within a 30-yard radius. After the spell dies out and while it recharges (which takes another 20 seconds), twenty Whiptail Devourers spring from the soil.

4. You stumble upon a trap door. After close inspection, something tells you, it doesn't REALLY look like a trap door, does it?

You open door

5. Before going inside to negotiate with the giant Cyclops, you say to your fighter friend, "Don't worry, I have a high charisma attribute."

6. Your new friend says, "Nothing bad is going to happen. I'm friends with the DM."

You follow new friend

7. You enter into combat with a giant crocodile. It is unusual this creature hasn't gone down yet and you're about to die. You look at your weapon. It is not wielded. You are fighting with your bare hands!

8. You didn't bother to read the room description when you entered the sewer, so you are unaware of the high concentration of methane gas all around you. It is dark.

You light torch

9. In an angry tirade, you tell an Admin to go screw themselves. 

10. Every potion you'd ever had identified turned out to be a healing potion. You are bleeding, but you find yet another unidentified bottle of potion. Why pay a spell caster to identify it? It will still work without being identified.

You drink potion

*Note: Unidentified POISON will still work, too!

My 10 Newbie Writing Experiences

I remember in my first creative writing class, my instructor told me I started my story in the wrong place. I was like, "No I didn't. It starts on page one."

Having movement on the first page means a rock skipping across the lake, a motorcycle slamming into a semi, or a cockroach skittering along the wall. Unless you're looking to attract some disturbed readers, this movement does not include a turd dropping into the toilet. 

The first time my creative writing instructor red-penned Really? on one of my papers next to something fantastical and completely unbelievable, I commented back with Yes, really! and turned it back in hoping for a better grade. I never got the paper back. 

Don't just tell me it was painful; show me how painful. This doesn't mean, "It was extremely painful."

If grammatical mistakes make you cringe when you read them in a novel, imagine how they'd make you feel when discovered during mud sex. If you don't know what that is, you are missing the key element to the reader/writer bonding experience.

I once had an instructor tell us that readers like emotional characters, so I ended up with a wimpy, whiney protagonist. I discovered much later, in this context, emotional does not mean readers want your characters to cry, moan, or shamelessly grovel. They want your characters to use their emotions to empower. Their lust will conquer the mistress, their anger will break the antagonist, and their fear will force them to face the evils which threaten to harm them or their loved ones. 

I spent years writing and hiding my work so that nobody could copy what would become my masterpieces which would earn me millions. Then I realized writers are supposed to have readers!

I found out the hard way that stream of consciousness writing exercises are not good for a person with a mind like mine and that it is always a good thing to delete your exercises when done.

There's nothing that disturbs me more than when I read my own poetry. That's why I stopped writing poetry.

"Can I send you my manuscript?" in the body of an email is not a query letter.

Those are some of my more embarrassing learning moments in my young writing career. Do you have some to share, even if they are the same and can help me feel better about my faux pas? 

My Top Ten iPhone Apps

Check it out...

I is for iPhone!

Here is my list of top ten applications I use on my iPhone. The priority is listed by how often I use the applications.

10. The Florida Bar News

This was the first and only mobile application which I helped develop. Of course it's going to be on my top ten list! I was more involved in providing the server side development rather than the GUI, but I guess being on the back end has its benefits.

9. Google Earth

It looks like Google has updated their satellite images. I was a bit surprised to see my daughter's 2010 white Mustang in our driveway rather than my old 2001 mustard green Ford ZX2 which my son totaled when I had three payments left on it.

8. Kindle

This almost came off my list of favorite applications for the iPhone when I purchased the iPad 3 and downloaded Kindle onto it. I use the iPad to read now, but I still love the application's ease of use. Even though I’m keeping it on my list, I’ve moved it in my list of priority apps.

7. Foodspotting

Who doesn't love to look at food, comment on food, and compare food findings, reviews, and popular hangouts? There's nothing like sitting down at a nice restaurant while waiting for your food to arrive. When the server places my entree in front of me, I break out the iPhone, fire up Foodspotting, and snap my photo. Gotta share it with the world, right? Hahah, the annoyance! Okay, I don't use it much, just when I remember I have it on my iPhone and food is placed before me for consumption. It doesn't happen often or I’d be 200 lbs.

6. Merriam Webster

This dictionary app is my trusted companion when I'm not at my computer writing. Otherwise, I have easy access to Dictionary.com. This application allows you to search for your word, produces a list from which to choose, and displays your word with an audio option so you can hear the pronunciation of your word. You can also speak your word into the microphone and the application will search for your word.

5. My Weather

With this application, you can configure several different locations and get the current weather conditions, an hour by hour reading, or a 10-day forecast. Severe weather alerts can be configured and maps display the current conditions all around you.

4. Family Feud & Friends

Who doesn't like Family Feud? This is the closest simulation I've ever experienced. The only thing missing is the social aspect of the game. You know, the Richard Dawson kisses or the Steve Harvey jokes and funny expressions. Still, the fast money round is addicting. It’s the sound effects when you get points. The top five answers are…on the board!

3. Wells Fargo Online Banking

This application is in the top three because I use it on a daily basis. My husband and I move money around between six different accounts and it comes in so handy. I haven't been inside a bank in a very long time. I haven't been to an ATM machine in years. I can pay bills, transfer money, stop payments, and check my balance at the touch of a screen. How awesome is that?

 2. Statcounter

This application feeds my OCD. It's not an iPhone app, more of a browser driven simulator. I can check the statistics on all of my configured sites. Hourly, daily, monthly, and annual statistics tell me how my sites are operating. I can tell which sites are worth keeping up and which I can ignore. I never ignore the busiest sites. I like to see the numbers climb, but more importantly, I like to see why they climb or why they do not. Statcounter is free, but when you start to reach the 50,000 page load statistic, it's time to make the investment and upgrade.

1. Five Differences

My OCD has its ups and downs. Up is why I have Statcounter. So, what do I do to bring myself down and focus so that my OCD can be utilized to my best interest? Five Differences is a great tool to use for this. You are presented with two seemingly identical pictures. You have a set amount of time to discover five differences in the two pictures. It takes a great deal of concentration to do this because the pictures must display on the iPhone screen, so they are small. But it is not impossible, more of a challenge.

***

AND NOW (You're probably wondering why I have no pictures to share)

This is why Wells Fargo might become the #1 mobile app on my list. There's nothing like feeling connected to your children, even after they've moved out. 

What applications do you have on your smartphone? Which do you use relentlessly? This is not limited to iPhones and iPads. I’d like to know what’s out there for other smartphones as well. Who knows, I might want to switch when my contract is up!

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